The Delicate Art of Bise-ing

Following a conversation last night, I thought I'd share with you some of the rules and intricacies of the European way of greeting each other known as "bise-ing", short for bisous, or kisses. Yes that's right... we kiss each other to say hello on the other side of the channel... regularly! Although I'd say that maybe it's social equivalent in the UK, far from being an awkward kissing of a stranger, is more like a friendly fist bump. Or maybe face bump. The bumping is how it usually feels anyway!

So with that in mind, allow me to share with you five ways that bise-ing makes continental life (mine in particular) more awkward than it should have to be.

#1 First introductions, OLD people and non-Belgians.
Generally, any situation in which the 'rules' of bise-ing could change. OK so that's any time we're bise-ing. But specifically, the first time you meet someone, some people bise, some people don't. It's a 50/50 chance that you're going to offend someone whatever you do. Give them a bise, they're all like "hey, woah, slow down, do I know you? What's even your name?!" Don't give them a bise and they'll get all offended "What? I'm not good enough for you? Don't wanna give me a friendly greeting? What, a smile and hello is ENOUGH for you? Tsh!". Old people especially because, well, they're old, and if I don't know how this bise-ing thing works now, how am I supposed to know how it worked 50 or 60 years ago?! Non-Belgians are prime culprits for surprising you with a second, or even third bise on opposite cheeks, and making you feel guilty that you've offended them, again, if you even flinch or just look surprised.

#2 Interruption
This happened to me on Friday night, on entering a room where there were three people, one busy on their own, the other two deep in conversation. All of them saw me come in. I made for the one on their own and bise-d in an almost native display of confidence.. I knew the rules for this one. The other two were more tricky. They were having a conversation and my near-native display of confidence was knocked off it's pedestal. A real Belgian would just go up and bise, interrupting the conversation momentarily, and then carry on to bise others. Me? I'm British, you can't just interrupt the conversation. Even if the conversation is between an English and a Spanish person. So what do I do? I loiter. Aaaawkwardly. Making them feel the need to not only cut their conversation short and come bise me, but also to then include me in the conversation as we walk into the next room where five more people are waiting to be bise-d.

#3 "I'm comin' for a bise!"
Arriving in a room mid-conversation with someone else, seems to me, to always be an error. You catch the unbiseds' eyes as you enter, and they know you're going to come and bise them sooner or later, but you're currently unavailable! When at last you free yourself, they've all grouped in a circle around a table on the other side of the room, you then have to make that long walk, and everyone knows what's coming. You're coming for a bise. It's reminiscent of that awkwardness when giving out flyers or some such, and your victim sees you coming and immediately finds something incredibly interesting in their pocket to look at, or crosses the street to get as far from you as possible. Only that would be the epitomy of rudeness according the rules of bise-ing. So they wait. And after the first, bise and "ça va?" - "oui, ça va", comes the bise-ing circuit. Made again more awkward by tables and chairs to clamber over, also dragging out the awkward "coming for a bise" period. This means that any conversation that was already going on before you arrived to bise, has to temporarily be suspended whilst everyone watches you clamber around and bise everyone, and you can't bise in these situations without the mandatory "ça va?" even though everyone heard you the first time. And so it continues... bise - 'ça va?' 'oui bien merci, et toi?' 'oui, ça va'. (climbing) bise - 'ça va?', 'ouii ça va, et toi?', 'bien, bien'. (more clambering) bise - 'comment tu vas?', 'ahh bien merci, et toi, tu vas bien?' 'oui, oui ça va bien merci.',. etcetera. etcetera.

Measures I have sometimes taken to try to either avoid, or lessen the awkwardness of these situations:
- once you have met someones eye, and you are free to go bise them...run/skip towards them. Makes the time go quicker. Although on second thoughts... think this made it seem even more awkward..
- try to answer and question people in as many ways as possible, perhaps they won't notice that the content of my answer is actually the same every single time. Or alternatively, answer differently to each person, see if they notice AND learn some new adjectives. win win situation.

#4 Departures
I'm still not sure of the rules on this one. If you're going to see someone again later on in the day, it seems like you don't have to bise them when you leave too. Logically I would think that if you bise-d to say hello, for example, at church, and then are at church for an hour or two, and then leave... you don't need to bise to say goodbye. Seems unnecessary when you already bumped cheeks less than two hours before. What can I say though, it all depends. (on what, I don't know.) Also, don't fall victim to thinking someone's coming for goodbye bises at the end of a meeting, if they're bise-ing someone who arrived late, or who they didn't already have chance to bise beforehand. This leads to either rejected cheek offering, or sympathy bises as they realise you're english and despite having lived here for nearly 5 months, still don't understand the rules of bise-ing. The other problem with departure bises, when they are obviously required, is when you're with more than 2 other people. This often creates the "I'm coming for a bise" scenario all over again, as well as delaying your departure. Always leave at least 10 minutes before you actually need to leave, to start your goodbye bises.

#5 The head butt
Chances are, if you take me by surprise, you'll get yourself a head butt rather than a face bump. And if you feel like making a slightly embaressing situation downright awkward, apologise afterwards; that way you actually acknowledge that you've hurt either yourself (or in my case by wearing glasses, more likely them) in your lame attempt at a casual greeting.


All of these examples have happened to me at least once in the past week.
Conclusion? Brits were not made to Bise!